Hobo Pro Tips

Decorating for Christmas

Christmas is coming up and you need to decorate that soggy box you’re forced to call a home. Don’t be an asshole here it’s the holidays, show some Christmas cheer. “But I’m living on the streets what’s there to be joyous about?” you might be asking. Well eat a dick and stop being selfish. Do it for the children and just ignore the fact that they’re better than you in every way possible. It’s Christmas! Here are a few things you can do or duct tape to your box to make your box a little more festive:

Use nature

Those pinecones aren’t just an ingredient for cranberry sauce, and they’re absolutely not an option for wiping your ass in lieu of toilet paper (but now that the idea is in your head you’re about to try it out). Hot glue some leaves to a tire and call it a wreath. Duct tape some pinecones together with grass clippings and call it a candle holder. Beat an old sock against a pine tree and whatever sticks becomes garland. Use your imagination!

Christmas cards

Hanging Christmas cards is a favorite form of decoration for the home. You don’t have any loved ones, though, so you more than likely don’t have holiday cards. But the families of your enemies do. Murder a mailman every day during the week leading up to christmas. I promise you each one will have around 30 pounds of Christmas cards on him.

Stockings

This is a staple decoration for the holiday season. No one is there to put things in the stocking for you but it’ll look like you’re half assing things if you don’t hang one over a fireplace. You’re expecting me to give you the obvious suggestion of hanging your socks, aren’t you? Bad hobo! This isn’t the blog for novice brain drippings, this is Hobo Pro Tips ya fuck! You need those socks to keep your feet warm, hold your change, clean your things, etc. Instead you should hang cans, small boxes, discarded ziplock bags, and the skulls of your vanquished foes.

Gifts under the tree

Like the cards, you’ll not be getting any of these. But with any luck you’re a blackout drunk and anything you get for yourself will seem like a kind gift from someone else. If you need some gift ideas refer to last years post. To wrap the gifts use soaked leaves and newspapers.

Christmas Tree

This one isn’t as hard as you might think it is. You’re not a traditional human being so don’t worry about getting the traditional tree. Your easiest option is to just move you box next to a tree. Use any tree you like, whichever one is prettiest to you. Bonus points if the tree is on someone else’s property. Those trees usually have a family attached and for one day you can be a part of something magical!

Don’t be vegan

The “food” those people need to eat is expensive. You’ll never find a block of tofu in a trash can so stop being a bitch and eat a discarded cheeseburger.

Thanksgiving on the streets

Thanksgiving is coming up and no one loves you. I know I keep saying that but I feel I really need to stress the point. No one loves you ever. People are going to be in their warm homes with their families eating an absurd amount of food. Plenty of it will be thrown away because that’s how we roll in America and you will be beaten with rubber hoses if you try and get some of that food from a trash can. If you want this holiday to happen for you then you need to get creative. Here are some recipes to make this the best hobo Thanksgiving ever!

Turkey

Yeah right, good luck with that. The best you can do is sewing a few pigeons together into the vague shape of a turkey. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

What you’ll need:

• 4 1/2 pigeons
• Your shoe laces
• 1 can of beer. Whiskey is also acceptable if you’ve had a successful week.
• A trash bag
• 1 fistful of grass

Begin by killing the pigeons and removing the pieces you don’t feel like eating. Once you have nothing more than a dirty pile of meat begin using your shoe laces to tether the pile together until you have something that resembles Frankenstein’s turkey. Place the beast into the trash bag and pour the booze in. Marinate until you can’t control yourself any more and need to eat something before you pass out. Cook the “turkey” over a flaming trash can for three hours. Once fully cooked serve the bird monster on a sheet of cardboard and garnish with the grass clippings.

Cranberry sauce

This one will really be a stretch since you can’t afford cranberries at all and they’re sort of the main ingredient. Instead, we’re going to use pine cones and hope no one notices.

What you’l need:

• 38 pine cones
• 12 sugar packets
• 1 large puddle

Boil the pine cones until they become soft and the sap starts leaking out. Throw the pine cones into a puddle with the sugar and mix until the sap and sugar create a messy candy like coating. Serve in a hat.

Stuffing

You have a few options here since stuffing is now sold in single serve cups. If you have the money for it, buy one. But you probably spent your last dollar paying the neighborhood kids to stop kicking you when you sleep. You’ll be making your own stuffing.

What you’ll need:

• The day old bread most bakeries can’t legally sell
• 2 cups of butter substitute. You can’t afford butter so use your best judgment. The greasy stuff under your balls will probably work.
• 2 handfuls of tree bark
• 4 leaves

Rip the bread apart into smaller pieces. Try to make the pieces cube shaped. If you’re too weak from not eating just think about how your wife left you and you’ll have all the motivation you need. Heat the nut butter and sauté the tree bark and leaves until the bark becomes soft. Add the nut butter mix to the bread and bake in a trash can for one hour. Serve in a coffee can.

Vegetables

No meal is complete without some healthy veggies! 

What you’ll need:

• A house that has a small vegetable garden in the backyard

Scout the house to learn the sleeping habits of the owners. This could take a week or two so be patient. Make your way to the garden when you’re sure everyone in the house is asleep. Begin taking the vegetables and shoving them into your pockets. If they aren’t fully grown yet just take the entire planter and finish the growing process yourself. If they have a dog abandon the mission and find another home with a vegetable garden.

Hobo Halloween

You don’t need a costume, you already horrify children!

Hobo Dancing

Hobos usually dance as a way to entertain with the hope that change will be given for their efforts. It doesn’t work. But you can actually dance for fun! There are no laws restricting hobo entry into night clubs. Not since 1956, that is. You’re free to have a night life but your street moves won’t cut it. You need to step up your hobo game and I have some moves to help you on your way.

The hunger shuffle: You must be starving to the point of stomach growling. When a growl occurs point your hands upward with your elbows at 45 degree angles and spin in a circle. Stop when the next growl occurs then start again on the next one.

The dirty thigh: Use both hands to rub your right thigh three times, then switch to the left for another three rubs. Repeat the process for as long as needed.

The shoe be gone: Grab people and yell “where the fuck are my shoes?” directly into their ears.

The blind smoker: This move is meant to inspire everyone around you to dance. Light a cigarette and immidiately put it out in someone’s eye. Continue until everyone around you has been fire blinded, your cigarette is fully burned away, or you get beaten viciously.

Krumpin: Have a violent seizure.

Have any hobo dance moves of your own? Comment on this post with your own hobo dance wisdom! Your ideas will be compiled into a future post.

Hobo pets

In the past I’ve advised the use of pets as a hobo tool. Today I will help you make the right pet choice. We’ll weigh the pros and cons of each choice and soon you’ll have a lifelong companion. Until you decide to eat the pet or sell it for drugs.

Dogs

Pros

• Can kill your enemies
• They love you no matter how you smell
• Able to search for things like food and compassion
• Very effective pet when trying to make people pity you

Cons

• Might kill you
• Will certainly piss on you
• Won’t think twice about eating your food
• When given the choice to help feed a dog or a hobo people will always choose the dog

Cats

Pros

• Eats rodents. Rats won’t live long enough to crawl on you while sleeping
• The best pet for making people pity you.
• Sized perfectly to be a hand warmer in the winter time

Cons

• Cats are fickle and may turn on you in an instant
• Fucking claws
• Need litter to shit. You can’t buy litter. Cats will eventually explode. Shit everywhere

Goldfish

Pros

• Can’t steal your food
• Can’t piss on you
• Can’t kill you

Cons

• Will die almost right away
• Impossible to feed. Goldfish refuse to eat garbage
• Can’t protect you at all. Might actually encourage more violence

Hamster

Pros

• Butt hole pleasures

Cons

• Butt hole problems

Hobo New Years: separating fact from fiction

A new year is upon us and everyone is celebrating, but they’re doing it wrong. New Years has very strong roots in hobo culture. Some of the customs celebrated by the “homed people” are adapted from hobo customs. Twisted and deformed versions of a once rich and colorful history are considered the norm and I’m here to teach you the truth.

• Father time is not the personification of the previous year who passes on his duties to Baby New Year. He is the hobo who invented the sun dial watch. By crafting a miniature sun dial and strapping it to his wrist he hoped to know the exact time it was no matter where he stood. Starting on the day he strapped the watch to his wrist, 365 days passed until he realized sun dials don’t work that way. The day of his mental breakdown and realization of his folly is the day we call New Years. This man is known as Dick Clark.
• Like Father time, Baby New Year is not the personification of the start of a new year. Every 365 days a virgin birth occurs in the hobo community. The ball drop in Times Square is based on this. At 11:59 the baby makes its way out of the dirty womb and by midnight a 4 year old bearded baby is born, marking the start of the new year. That’s right…a one minute long birth.
• The use of fireworks as a modern custom was not originally intended for celebration. The bright colors and loud noises scare hobos and their use was meant to drive hobos from the lands of wealthy plantation owners. This act inspired the idea of New Years resolutions. There wasn’t much creativity in the hobo resolutions as they all set their minds to one thing in the coming year: vengeance.
• The idea of New Years parades is another detail modified from the true tradition. In 1862 hobos were furious. The use of fireworks to spook their gentle souls had gone on long enough. It was time for a nationwide march. Thousands of hobos wore colorful uniforms with many feathers while singing songs and being drunk as fuck, embodying what they feared most and reminding them of what they were fighting for. They crafted siege machines from paper mâché (it’s all they had at the time) and began to lay siege on the plantations of southern america. The marches ended in 1865. Fireworks were buried, land owners were set on fire, peace for the hobo was won. Also, slavery ended. Good job hobos!

Visit your local hobo library to learn more about this and other holidays bastardized by white America.

A friendly winter reminder

Wolves get hungrier as it gets colder and they won’t think twice about eating a hobo. The more you know.