December 2011
4 posts
1 tag
3 tags
Anonymous asked: if a hobo had herpes would it die with him?
2 tags
Decorating for Christmas
Christmas is coming up and you need to decorate that soggy box you’re forced to call a home. Don’t be an asshole here it’s the holidays, show some Christmas cheer. “But I’m living on the streets what’s there to be joyous about?” you might be asking. Well eat a dick and stop being selfish. Do it for the children and just ignore the fact that they’re...
3 tags
Don't be vegan
The “food” those people need to eat is expensive. You’ll never find a block of tofu in a trash can so stop being a bitch and eat a discarded cheeseburger.
November 2011
1 post
4 tags
Thanksgiving on the streets
Thanksgiving is coming up and no one loves you. I know I keep saying that but I feel I really need to stress the point. No one loves you ever. People are going to be in their warm homes with their families eating an absurd amount of food. Plenty of it will be thrown away because that’s how we roll in America and you will be beaten with rubber hoses if you try and get some of that food from a...
October 2011
2 posts
3 tags
Hobo Halloween
You don’t need a costume, you already horrify children!
6 tags
Hobo Dancing
Hobos usually dance as a way to entertain with the hope that change will be given for their efforts. It doesn’t work. But you can actually dance for fun! There are no laws restricting hobo entry into night clubs. Not since 1956, that is. You’re free to have a night life but your street moves won’t cut it. You need to step up your hobo game and I have some moves to help you on...
June 2011
1 post
2 tags
Hobo pets
In the past I’ve advised the use of pets as a hobo tool. Today I will help you make the right pet choice. We’ll weigh the pros and cons of each choice and soon you’ll have a lifelong companion. Until you decide to eat the pet or sell it for drugs.
Dogs
Pros
Can kill your enemies
They love you no matter how you smell
Able to search for things like food and compassion
Very...
December 2010
4 posts
3 tags
Hobo New Years: separating fact from fiction
A new year is upon us and everyone is celebrating, but they’re doing it wrong. New Years has very strong roots in hobo culture. Some of the customs celebrated by the “homed people” are adapted from hobo customs. Twisted and deformed versions of a once rich and colorful history are considered the norm and I’m here to teach you the truth.
Father time is not...
4 tags
A friendly winter reminder
Wolves get hungrier as it gets colder and they won’t think twice about eating a hobo. The more you know.
3 tags
Hobo Christmas gift ideas
It’s that time of year again! A time for gift giving and good will and all that bullshit that no one ever does for you. You need to get used to the fact that you’re not getting a god damned thing this year, but that doesn’t mean you need to be a cold hearted asshole. Let’s run through the most common types of gifts and see if we can’t give you some ideas for your...
Anonymous asked: what do hobos wear
November 2010
1 post
anightinthewild-deactivated2011 asked: hey you hobbo
i think you are funny, i clearly and not quite a hobo
make your blog more more filled with perty colours than it will be so beautiful
x
i think you are funny, i clearly and not quite a hobo
make your blog more more filled with perty colours than it will be so beautiful
x
October 2010
1 post
Anonymous asked: Are all hobos homosexual... if not how do you tell a straight from a gay?
September 2010
3 posts
2 tags
Mold is penicillin
That sandwich you pulled out of the trash is not only tasty and green, it’s also a heaping pile of antibiotics. And you need those!
1 tag
Smoke for free: what you shouldn't smoke
Yesterday I taught you about the different forms of smokable cigarettes. Today I’ll teach you about the stuff you might think is a cigarette but isn’t. Many hobos and slow children will see a cigarette shaped thing and think they can smoke it to look cool. You do need to impress your hobo peers and the slow children after all. But you need to make sure that what you’re smoking is...
1 tag
Smoke for free: what you can smoke
Cigarettes are expensive and you’re fucking poor. I haven’t met a hobo yet who doesn’t smoke but how the hell do they get their hands on that sweet sweet lung murder? Like the rest of the things they put in their mouths they find it on the ground, that’s where. We live in a society of waste (not the same as you living in waste) and people will gingerly throw their tubed...
June 2010
7 posts
2 tags
Even if you're broke, you can probably find a...
Because somewhere, someone is writing a Hooker’s Pro Tip to target a hobo. Make sure that hobo is you.
-Submitted by Legal Moniker
Spare some recommendations? →
Click to help people learn to be homeless the right way.
3 tags
3 tags
Dress for success
If you’re new to the hobo lifestyle then chances are you’re not dressed right. Here’s a few pointers to follow when gearing up for the job.
Authentic dirt None of that fraudulent Old Navy bullshit. Go to the woods, roll around in dirt, fight bears. If you’re not covered in dirt, blood and bear fur then you did it wrong. Go back.
Smell Too much of it is bad, not enough is...
4 tags
Hobo haikus
Hobo haikus are actually a lie. You see, hobos love poetry but they didn’t pay attention in school (wonder why they’re homeless). As a result, hobo scribes tend to skew the rules of poetry. Their favorite victim is the haiku. Rather than follow the 5, 7, 5 syllable structure they go for the short line, long line, short line structure. No one dares tell them they’re wrong....
5 tags
Hobo romance
Just because you’re going to die alone doesn’t mean you need to live alone. Hobos are allowed to have relationships as long as no reproduction occurs, according to the 8th amendment of our country’s constitution. But how do you make it work? You’re not the most aesthetically pleasing thing in the world and you have the social skills of a rape. Well, none of that matters....
6 tags
Wolf defense
Hobos often need to deal with the malice of strangers. Many people don’t see you as people so they taunt and play their games. Every now and then you need to rise up from your chair of filth and make them pay a price of blood and teeth for their insolence. But what do you do if those people are wolves? No that isn’t a metaphor I mean actual fucking wolves. Dogs with feral origins...
January 2010
2 posts
2 tags
3 tags
Ways to bathe
You might believe body odor is part of the hobo uniform, and to a certain extent it is, but believe it or not you really are allowed to have a shred of self respect and clean yourself. Keep in mind, however, that getting too clean will work against you and make you appear un-homeless if you smell fantastic. Luckily your options are limited and your life style is grimy so you’ll have no choice but...
September 2009
2 posts
3 tags
Use your imagination to your advantage.
You can be the most popular, wealthiest, and handsome hobo in the world! … in your own mind. After you have yourself convinced you will find that you are now looking down on people with confidence just like everyone else.
1 tag
Your glass is half empty
Get used to it.
August 2009
9 posts
5 tags
Get a job
People have been saying it to hobos since the beginning of time. Get a job. But no one cares to offer suggestions, do they? Rather than give you change, a CEO for some computer company will tell you to get a job like the rest of us. But where? He won’t hire you. You can’t be a doctor or a teacher either. Flipping burgers isn’t even an option because you’re a walking...
4 tags
Use every part of your kill
Let’s assume for a second that you followed the advice in the post called ‘kill’. You’ve killed someone and you were lucky enough to not get caught. What do you do now? Some would suggest leaving the body and running but hobo native americans would have much better advice. They didn’t like to waste anything. Animal skins became clothing, bones became weapons, inside...
5 tags
Tune your instrument
You’re broke, your guitar isn’t.
4 tags
Keep it short
I swear to God, if you hobos don’t knock it off with the long stories with plot twists and lies I will punch you in the ballsack! You know exactly who you are, you inconsiderate son of a bitch. You start out innocent enough asking for the time or for directions and for your politeness you are rewarded with assistance. But to reward our kindness you waste our day with tales of the impossible....
4 tags
This is part four of a four part series called...
5 tags
This is part three of a four part series called...
3 tags
The different flavors of hobos. Which one are you?
Hobos come in different shapes and sizes. You need to be able to identify each type and also know where you fit within the hobo hierarchy. Here’s a list of the most common flavors of hobos:
Fauxbo The fauxbo is a lover of lies. He sits on one leg to look cripple. He begs for food while eating a cheeseburger. This hobo is no hobo at all. The defining characteristics of a fauxbo are the lack...
5 tags
This is part two of a four part series called...
3 tags
This is part one of a four part series called...
July 2009
12 posts
6 tags
Wear Pants
Seriously
4 tags
Why hobos are alcoholics: a lesson on your lineage
You are. Don’t argue with me.
Your alcoholism goes all the way back to the time of Jesus. As we all know, Jesus and his apostles were the world’s first hobos. They wandered the land with nothing but their dirty robes and they survived from the charity of others. If there were trains back then they would have been all about jumping onto them and singing Jimmy Cracked Corn, but there...
3 tags
“Roaming hobo at night, pedestrian delight.
Roaming hobo at dawn, pedestrian be...”
– Stephen Hawking
5 tags
“Hobos will fuck you up!”
– Jesus
4 tags
Predict the weather
As urban pioneers, hobos have a natural sense when it comes to the weather. That’s why you’ll see a small herd of them laying in a field right before it rains. So why not use your powers for good and actually earn that change, you asshole!
Animals do plenty to hint at upcoming weather through their behavior. Since you’re close in social status to pets, you can easily adjust your...
5 tags
“A belt made from the heads of your vanquished enemies will ensure an undisturbed...”
– Thomas Edison
1 tag
I'm not telling you what to do, but...
Hobos with missing limbs get more money
4 tags
Bring a pet
No one loves you. Everyone but you knows that. You need to use every resource at your disposal to make people feel sorry for your hobo lifestyle so why not play the pitty card. Bring a pet along for the dirty ride.
People love pets but they extra hate the hobos that have them so it’s a gamble but if you think of you and the furry critter as a hobo unit you get bonus pity points. (Editor’s note:...
5 tags
Kill
No matter what, there is always a plan B. You don’t have a roof over your head, your bed is usually a soggy box, and three meals a day is a cruel joke from a life now forgotten. You certainly could spend your days asking for change and eating hot dogs from carts, but the fast track to success in your line of work is a road soaked in blood.
If you kill a man you go straight to a place with a roof...
4 tags
Don't sleep in shit
This one should be a no brainer but for some reason it eludes even the most seasoned hobo veteran. If you shit where you decided to sleep for the night, roll away from that spot. It’s easy, take a look.
Imagine the fire is a quart of your own brown. Stop what you’re doing. Drop down low so no one sees the smell crafter. Roll Away from it.
3 tags
Rid yourself of fancy items
You know who you are, gentle hobo. You’re the dirty guy sitting at the entrance to every subway. You look and smell like a babie’s challenge but something is off. Something makes me think you’re not really broke and homeless. Oh wait, I know what it is! It’s your brand new sneakers and your fresh out of the box stereo. That, plus the shiny bling you’re sporting tell me you’re a lover of lies.
...
4 tags
Don't be fat
A common mistake among the novice hobo is being over 200 pounds while asking for food. This is a rookie mistake. It’s bush-league! You can’t convince people you are starving if it looks like you just ate a few hobos.
Next time, try losing 100 pounds before telling men in suits you haven’t eaten in days. You’ll look the part and you’ll be honest for once in your life.