Hobo Pro Tips

Hobo Christmas gift ideas

It’s that time of year again! A time for gift giving and good will and all that bullshit that no one ever does for you. You need to get used to the fact that you’re not getting a god damned thing this year, but that doesn’t mean you need to be a cold hearted asshole. Let’s run through the most common types of gifts and see if we can’t give you some ideas for your holiday gift giving!

Toys
Kids are the most demanding when it comes to Christmas. You’re in no position to buy them the newest, shiniest toys but you can give them the most interesting ones. Preserved road kill makes for a fine stuffed animal. Little Suzie’s teddy bear might look cuter but the one you give will be lifelike and life size. Little Suzie is a little slut anyway. Good work on being adopted Suzie.

Food
Food is a favorite in the world of gifts. Just look at those smoked meat variety boxes. People see those under their tree and orgasms happen. Your family and friends should understand that food is a little hard for you to come by but they don’t. They hate you. They hate the idea of you. They feed on your suffering like wild dogs feed on discarded babies. So give the gift of wild dog meat. Dogs are easy enough to find, it’s the smoked meat part that’s the problem. Hang the meat from cars making sure it dangles over the exhaust pipe. Car exhaust = smoke. 

Clothing
This one is easy. People wear clothes, people walk by you, people get mugged, clothes get gifted. Combine all of those facts together to form the solution to a gifting problem. Remember, the younger the person you’re shopping for the easier the “shopping” will be.

Appliances
No one likes getting appliances for Christmas. Don’t be that guy.

Gift cards
This one will be a little hit and miss. People want gift cards from places they shop at frequently like Walmart and Starbucks. But you’re kinda poor. Your only option is to get gift cards for the places you like to shop at and hope for the best. But let’s be realistic here, who wouldn’t enjoy getting $50 off a blow job from Dumpster Denise.

Mold is penicillin

That sandwich you pulled out of the trash is not only tasty and green, it’s also a heaping pile of antibiotics. And you need those!

Smoke for free: what you shouldn’t smoke

Yesterday I taught you about the different forms of smokable cigarettes. Today I’ll teach you about the stuff you might think is a cigarette but isn’t. Many hobos and slow children will see a cigarette shaped thing and think they can smoke it to look cool. You do need to impress your hobo peers and the slow children after all. But you need to make sure that what you’re smoking is smokable and probably won’t kill you or make you weirder than your smell suggests. Here is a list of some of the things that may look or sound like cigarettes.

• A filter: As I mentioned in the last post, check cigarette butts before trying to smoke. A filter with no tobacco means you’re going to die if you manage to smoke it.
• Candy cigarettes: Don’t be fooled by the name, it isn’t for smoking. A child probably dropped it so pick it up, follow him home, give it back and remind him that not doing his math homework is the first step to becoming like you.
• A rolled up newspaper: No, it’s not a big cigar with sage like wisdom scribed onto it. It’s a newspaper.
• A shoe filled with tobacco: From a distance this may look like a pipe. You might think you’re being fancy trying to smoke from this but really you just lit a shoe on fire. Laces are a dead give away. The fact that it’s a god damn shoe should be a warning as well.

The list could keep going but really you just need to remember this one golden rule: Does it look like a cigarette? If you can’t answer this question right away with certainty then it is not something you can smoke. Trust me on this.

Smoke for free: what you can smoke

Cigarettes are expensive and you’re fucking poor. I haven’t met a hobo yet who doesn’t smoke but how the hell do they get their hands on that sweet sweet lung murder? Like the rest of the things they put in their mouths they find it on the ground, that’s where. We live in a society of waste (not the same as you living in waste) and people will gingerly throw their tubed cancer to the ground without a second thought. Today you will learn about the different types of discarded cigarettes, and how to tell the difference between the stuff you can smoke, the stuff you can’t smoke, and the stuff you just shouldn’t smoke.

What you can smoke

• Pack of cigarettes: Also known as the hobo holy grail. Some people are careless with their stuff and will often drop a whole pack of cigarettes accidentally. This leaves you with a golden gift from the gods. Gods who wear denim and suck cancer into their lungs for fun. Denim clad titans who now have nothing to smoke because karma refused to give a reach around.
• Unsmoked cigarette: More common than the full pack and much less common than all other forms. The full unsmoked cigarette is received in a similar fashion to the entire pack. Some well off dick with more money and kids than he knows what to do with let the thing slip out of his pocket, onto the ground, and into your mouth. And he dropped a cigarette on the ground!
• Partly smoked butt: The most common form of ground cigarette. Someone smoked this thing but decided to stop at a certain point then throw it at you for fun. When finding such half depleted nourishment be sure to check to see if there’s actually tobacco. Content could range from almost all there to just a fleck of brown on the filter. Use your best judgement.

Tomorrow we’ll discuss what you shouldn’t smoke at all. Some people may think this is obvious and that you can tell right away when something isn’t a cigarette. But you’re desperate and hungry and don’t know any better.

Even if you’re broke, you can probably find a hooker somewhere.

Because somewhere, someone is writing a Hooker’s Pro Tip to target a hobo.  Make sure that hobo is you.

-Submitted by Legal Moniker