Hobo Pro Tips

Hobo New Years: separating fact from fiction

A new year is upon us and everyone is celebrating, but they’re doing it wrong. New Years has very strong roots in hobo culture. Some of the customs celebrated by the “homed people” are adapted from hobo customs. Twisted and deformed versions of a once rich and colorful history are considered the norm and I’m here to teach you the truth.

• Father time is not the personification of the previous year who passes on his duties to Baby New Year. He is the hobo who invented the sun dial watch. By crafting a miniature sun dial and strapping it to his wrist he hoped to know the exact time it was no matter where he stood. Starting on the day he strapped the watch to his wrist, 365 days passed until he realized sun dials don’t work that way. The day of his mental breakdown and realization of his folly is the day we call New Years. This man is known as Dick Clark.
• Like Father time, Baby New Year is not the personification of the start of a new year. Every 365 days a virgin birth occurs in the hobo community. The ball drop in Times Square is based on this. At 11:59 the baby makes its way out of the dirty womb and by midnight a 4 year old bearded baby is born, marking the start of the new year. That’s right…a one minute long birth.
• The use of fireworks as a modern custom was not originally intended for celebration. The bright colors and loud noises scare hobos and their use was meant to drive hobos from the lands of wealthy plantation owners. This act inspired the idea of New Years resolutions. There wasn’t much creativity in the hobo resolutions as they all set their minds to one thing in the coming year: vengeance.
• The idea of New Years parades is another detail modified from the true tradition. In 1862 hobos were furious. The use of fireworks to spook their gentle souls had gone on long enough. It was time for a nationwide march. Thousands of hobos wore colorful uniforms with many feathers while singing songs and being drunk as fuck, embodying what they feared most and reminding them of what they were fighting for. They crafted siege machines from paper mâché (it’s all they had at the time) and began to lay siege on the plantations of southern america. The marches ended in 1865. Fireworks were buried, land owners were set on fire, peace for the hobo was won. Also, slavery ended. Good job hobos!

Visit your local hobo library to learn more about this and other holidays bastardized by white America.