Hobo Pro Tips

Hobo pets

In the past I’ve advised the use of pets as a hobo tool. Today I will help you make the right pet choice. We’ll weigh the pros and cons of each choice and soon you’ll have a lifelong companion. Until you decide to eat the pet or sell it for drugs.

Dogs

Pros

• Can kill your enemies
• They love you no matter how you smell
• Able to search for things like food and compassion
• Very effective pet when trying to make people pity you

Cons

• Might kill you
• Will certainly piss on you
• Won’t think twice about eating your food
• When given the choice to help feed a dog or a hobo people will always choose the dog

Cats

Pros

• Eats rodents. Rats won’t live long enough to crawl on you while sleeping
• The best pet for making people pity you.
• Sized perfectly to be a hand warmer in the winter time

Cons

• Cats are fickle and may turn on you in an instant
• Fucking claws
• Need litter to shit. You can’t buy litter. Cats will eventually explode. Shit everywhere

Goldfish

Pros

• Can’t steal your food
• Can’t piss on you
• Can’t kill you

Cons

• Will die almost right away
• Impossible to feed. Goldfish refuse to eat garbage
• Can’t protect you at all. Might actually encourage more violence

Hamster

Pros

• Butt hole pleasures

Cons

• Butt hole problems

Bring a pet

No one loves you. Everyone but you knows that. You need to use every resource at your disposal to make people feel sorry for your hobo lifestyle so why not play the pitty card. Bring a pet along for the dirty ride.

People love pets but they extra hate the hobos that have them so it’s a gamble but if you think of you and the furry critter as a hobo unit you get bonus pity points. (Editor’s note: You actually lose points if your name is Critter).

Best case scenario, you get extra change to feed you and a dog. Worst case, you only get a can of dog food. Either way, you’re getting a can of dog food for dinner.

If it fails you can eat the pet.