Hobo Pro Tips

Decorating for Christmas

Christmas is coming up and you need to decorate that soggy box you’re forced to call a home. Don’t be an asshole here it’s the holidays, show some Christmas cheer. “But I’m living on the streets what’s there to be joyous about?” you might be asking. Well eat a dick and stop being selfish. Do it for the children and just ignore the fact that they’re better than you in every way possible. It’s Christmas! Here are a few things you can do or duct tape to your box to make your box a little more festive:

Use nature

Those pinecones aren’t just an ingredient for cranberry sauce, and they’re absolutely not an option for wiping your ass in lieu of toilet paper (but now that the idea is in your head you’re about to try it out). Hot glue some leaves to a tire and call it a wreath. Duct tape some pinecones together with grass clippings and call it a candle holder. Beat an old sock against a pine tree and whatever sticks becomes garland. Use your imagination!

Christmas cards

Hanging Christmas cards is a favorite form of decoration for the home. You don’t have any loved ones, though, so you more than likely don’t have holiday cards. But the families of your enemies do. Murder a mailman every day during the week leading up to christmas. I promise you each one will have around 30 pounds of Christmas cards on him.

Stockings

This is a staple decoration for the holiday season. No one is there to put things in the stocking for you but it’ll look like you’re half assing things if you don’t hang one over a fireplace. You’re expecting me to give you the obvious suggestion of hanging your socks, aren’t you? Bad hobo! This isn’t the blog for novice brain drippings, this is Hobo Pro Tips ya fuck! You need those socks to keep your feet warm, hold your change, clean your things, etc. Instead you should hang cans, small boxes, discarded ziplock bags, and the skulls of your vanquished foes.

Gifts under the tree

Like the cards, you’ll not be getting any of these. But with any luck you’re a blackout drunk and anything you get for yourself will seem like a kind gift from someone else. If you need some gift ideas refer to last years post. To wrap the gifts use soaked leaves and newspapers.

Christmas Tree

This one isn’t as hard as you might think it is. You’re not a traditional human being so don’t worry about getting the traditional tree. Your easiest option is to just move you box next to a tree. Use any tree you like, whichever one is prettiest to you. Bonus points if the tree is on someone else’s property. Those trees usually have a family attached and for one day you can be a part of something magical!