Hobo Pro Tips

Don’t be vegan

The “food” those people need to eat is expensive. You’ll never find a block of tofu in a trash can so stop being a bitch and eat a discarded cheeseburger.

Thanksgiving on the streets

Thanksgiving is coming up and no one loves you. I know I keep saying that but I feel I really need to stress the point. No one loves you ever. People are going to be in their warm homes with their families eating an absurd amount of food. Plenty of it will be thrown away because that’s how we roll in America and you will be beaten with rubber hoses if you try and get some of that food from a trash can. If you want this holiday to happen for you then you need to get creative. Here are some recipes to make this the best hobo Thanksgiving ever!

Turkey

Yeah right, good luck with that. The best you can do is sewing a few pigeons together into the vague shape of a turkey. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

What you’ll need:

• 4 1/2 pigeons
• Your shoe laces
• 1 can of beer. Whiskey is also acceptable if you’ve had a successful week.
• A trash bag
• 1 fistful of grass

Begin by killing the pigeons and removing the pieces you don’t feel like eating. Once you have nothing more than a dirty pile of meat begin using your shoe laces to tether the pile together until you have something that resembles Frankenstein’s turkey. Place the beast into the trash bag and pour the booze in. Marinate until you can’t control yourself any more and need to eat something before you pass out. Cook the “turkey” over a flaming trash can for three hours. Once fully cooked serve the bird monster on a sheet of cardboard and garnish with the grass clippings.

Cranberry sauce

This one will really be a stretch since you can’t afford cranberries at all and they’re sort of the main ingredient. Instead, we’re going to use pine cones and hope no one notices.

What you’l need:

• 38 pine cones
• 12 sugar packets
• 1 large puddle

Boil the pine cones until they become soft and the sap starts leaking out. Throw the pine cones into a puddle with the sugar and mix until the sap and sugar create a messy candy like coating. Serve in a hat.

Stuffing

You have a few options here since stuffing is now sold in single serve cups. If you have the money for it, buy one. But you probably spent your last dollar paying the neighborhood kids to stop kicking you when you sleep. You’ll be making your own stuffing.

What you’ll need:

• The day old bread most bakeries can’t legally sell
• 2 cups of butter substitute. You can’t afford butter so use your best judgment. The greasy stuff under your balls will probably work.
• 2 handfuls of tree bark
• 4 leaves

Rip the bread apart into smaller pieces. Try to make the pieces cube shaped. If you’re too weak from not eating just think about how your wife left you and you’ll have all the motivation you need. Heat the nut butter and sauté the tree bark and leaves until the bark becomes soft. Add the nut butter mix to the bread and bake in a trash can for one hour. Serve in a coffee can.

Vegetables

No meal is complete without some healthy veggies! 

What you’ll need:

• A house that has a small vegetable garden in the backyard

Scout the house to learn the sleeping habits of the owners. This could take a week or two so be patient. Make your way to the garden when you’re sure everyone in the house is asleep. Begin taking the vegetables and shoving them into your pockets. If they aren’t fully grown yet just take the entire planter and finish the growing process yourself. If they have a dog abandon the mission and find another home with a vegetable garden.

Mold is penicillin

That sandwich you pulled out of the trash is not only tasty and green, it’s also a heaping pile of antibiotics. And you need those!

Use every part of your kill

Let’s assume for a second that you followed the advice in the post called ‘kill’. You’ve killed someone and you were lucky enough to not get caught. What do you do now? Some would suggest leaving the body and running but hobo native americans would have much better advice. They didn’t like to waste anything. Animal skins became clothing, bones became weapons, inside pieces became dinner. The only difference between you and native americans is your buffalo is a man who walked down the wrong alley.

The obvious option here is to eat your prey but that still leaves a pretty good percentage of human. Remember, you have no possessions. Why waste this golden opportunity to gain a few? Let’s start from the outside in and learn what can be created from people pieces!

Skin
If indians taught us anything, it’s that skin makes clothes. Luckily for you humans are shaped like shirts and pants already. You just have to cut off the parts that aren’t. Be mindful of the drying process though. Shrinkage will occur so try and kill someone at least two pant sizes bigger than you. It should be noted that baby skin can’t be used without an extensive amount of work. (don’t kill babies!!!)

Muscle
This is the part you eat. Unlike skin use, you should try and kill someone two pant sizes smaller than you to ensure a good meat to fat ratio. It’s been recorded that the taste of human is close to that of veal. At least your desperation will be rewarded with a high quality dinner. Much like animals, younger meat means tastier meat. (again, don’t go near babies!!!!)

Organs
I’m sure you’ve heard of the black market by now. Take those organs on over to the first creepy van you find and you can earn yourself tens of dollars a day! If you prefer to stick to the plan laid out by the indians you can continue making clothing as well. Stomachs make fine hats and tongues are pretty good for…tongues. If you go the black market route, always remember a live baby is more valuable than any of the alternate forms. (dude…seriously. How are you even finding babies?)

Bones
If the indians taught us anything else, it’s that bones make badass weapons. If you sharpen a thigh bone you get a dagger. If you tie the forearm bones together you get nunchucks. If you you put the toe bones in a sock you get a sock that hurts like a bitch when you slap someone in the eye with it. Bones aren’t just good for weapons, skulls make fine cereal bowls. Be creative! (don’t even think about it, baby bones are soft and useless. Give it back.)

Feel free to mix and match. Indians didn’t get to where they are today by playing it safe. Experimentation and improvisation are key. Let your creative juices flow!

*Editor’s note: some of these tips might actually be useful on animals too.

Don’t be fat

A common mistake among the novice hobo is being over 200 pounds while asking for food. This is a rookie mistake. It’s bush-league! You can’t convince people you are starving if it looks like you just ate a few hobos.

Next time, try losing 100 pounds before telling men in suits you haven’t eaten in days. You’ll look the part and you’ll be honest for once in your life.