Hobo Pro Tips

Hobo pets

In the past I’ve advised the use of pets as a hobo tool. Today I will help you make the right pet choice. We’ll weigh the pros and cons of each choice and soon you’ll have a lifelong companion. Until you decide to eat the pet or sell it for drugs.

Dogs

Pros

• Can kill your enemies
• They love you no matter how you smell
• Able to search for things like food and compassion
• Very effective pet when trying to make people pity you

Cons

• Might kill you
• Will certainly piss on you
• Won’t think twice about eating your food
• When given the choice to help feed a dog or a hobo people will always choose the dog

Cats

Pros

• Eats rodents. Rats won’t live long enough to crawl on you while sleeping
• The best pet for making people pity you.
• Sized perfectly to be a hand warmer in the winter time

Cons

• Cats are fickle and may turn on you in an instant
• Fucking claws
• Need litter to shit. You can’t buy litter. Cats will eventually explode. Shit everywhere

Goldfish

Pros

• Can’t steal your food
• Can’t piss on you
• Can’t kill you

Cons

• Will die almost right away
• Impossible to feed. Goldfish refuse to eat garbage
• Can’t protect you at all. Might actually encourage more violence

Hamster

Pros

• Butt hole pleasures

Cons

• Butt hole problems

Predict the weather

As urban pioneers, hobos have a natural sense when it comes to the weather. That’s why you’ll see a small herd of them laying in a field right before it rains. So why not use your powers for good and actually earn that change, you asshole!

Animals do plenty to hint at upcoming weather through their behavior. Since you’re close in social status to pets, you can easily adjust your behavior to accommodate changes in temperature, humidity, and barometric pressure.

Some fun facts about hobo weather prediction:

• When a hobo sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter
• Hobos tend to stop flying and take refuge at the coast if a storm is coming.
• Hobos often search for higher ground when a large amount of rain is expected. You will often see them in the road during this period.
• Before noah released a dove to see if the flood waters receded, he released a hobo. When it didn’t come back asking for more change, noah knew the waters were still too high and waited three more days.
• Hobos scratch a post before heavy winds.
• If a hobo starts to whine for no reason, you can expect a tornado.
• Hobos sing when the air is hot and dry.

Use these behavioral patterns passed down from your hobo forefathers and you’ll have earned yourself a shiny new hamburger.

Bring a pet

No one loves you. Everyone but you knows that. You need to use every resource at your disposal to make people feel sorry for your hobo lifestyle so why not play the pitty card. Bring a pet along for the dirty ride.

People love pets but they extra hate the hobos that have them so it’s a gamble but if you think of you and the furry critter as a hobo unit you get bonus pity points. (Editor’s note: You actually lose points if your name is Critter).

Best case scenario, you get extra change to feed you and a dog. Worst case, you only get a can of dog food. Either way, you’re getting a can of dog food for dinner.

If it fails you can eat the pet.