Hobo Pro Tips

Wolf defense

Hobos often need to deal with the malice of strangers. Many people don’t see you as people so they taunt and play their games. Every now and then you need to rise up from your chair of filth and make them pay a price of blood and teeth for their insolence. But what do you do if those people are wolves? No that isn’t a metaphor I mean actual fucking wolves. Dogs with feral origins roaming the night and hunting you down hoping to murder you or worse, steal your social security number. You can’t let them steal your identity. It’s yours! You don’t have much in this world so you can’t let them have that. But you’re one hobo against a pack of wolves. How do you defend yourself?

You’re in luck, prince of shit! Today I teach you how to fend off wolves and all you need are the things you beg for.

Keys
Your first line of defense is keys. Much like a retarded child, jingling keys can affect wolves at the emotional level. Unlike children, though, wolves aren’t attracted to the keys. Quite the opposite!

If you study the image above you’ll notice the murder and fear centers of the wolf brain surround the keys center. This creates balance within the wolf and helps ensure he is a calculating machine of carnage. But once keys are jingled something interesting happens…

As you can see from the image above, the keys center has shifted to constrict the murder center. This shift allows the fear center to expand and reshape the wolf brain. In layman’s terms, keys fill the wolf brain with overwhelming fear.

Change
Not the kind Obama is bringing us, the kind given to you in a dirty cup. While not as scientifically involved as keys, loose change can also save you during a life or wolf encounter. To be more specific, .38 cents in nothing but nickels. How is this sum possible with a fist full of .5 cent coins? Easy. You cut one of the nickels. Remove 2/5 of a nickel and what you essentially have is a .3 cent piece. Present that along with seven full nickels and any wolf worth his salt will bow to your resourcefulness. Such a display of mental prowess will earn the respect of any wolf and word will spread among them.

If you remember these two methods of wolf defense you’ll never be bothered by those fury land vultures again.