Hobo Pro Tips

Hobo romance

Just because you’re going to die alone doesn’t mean you need to live alone. Hobos are allowed to have relationships as long as no reproduction occurs, according to the 8th amendment of our country’s constitution. But how do you make it work? You’re not the most aesthetically pleasing thing in the world and you have the social skills of a rape. Well, none of that matters. Just follow my advice and you’ll live a life of love and happiness. (actually it still fucking sucks and now you’re about to drag someone into it.)

Aim low
Remember these words carefully: you will not hook up with models. You’re not even going to hook with an average quality girl. Even the lady with the goatee at Mc Donalds won’t touch your skin. Sixes date sixes, nines date nines, and hobos date hobos. Your key to love on the streets lives on the streets. Men should search the alleys behind shoe stores for the highest quality hobo ladies. Ladies, search the dumpsters behind fast food joints. You want a well fed man.

Don’t worry about diseases
Normally we don’t want to marry the girl with herpe crabs but honestly, can an extra disease ruin your life? Trick question the answer is no. You’re not in a position to turn down any affection and if you get the fire aids then who cares? Your life is already surrounded with all sorts of un-named bacteria and grime. Any ailment should be used to judge compatibility instead of a deterrence. If you happen to find the other hobo on the block with herpesyphylaids then it was meant to be.

The first date is crucial
This one will be difficult and it requires much sacrifice. You’re going to have to save your hard earned change and take your potential lady love somewhere nice. I’m talking Taco Bell level of nice here. You take a homeless lady to Taco Bell for dinner and what you have is a license to print sex. She’ll be pawing at your patched together sweat pants the second the last burrito leaves the table, this I promise you.

You don’t need to ask for sex
This is one of the many differences between normal and homeless life. It’s understood among the hobo community that if fucking is going to happen, it’s just going to happen. The only options available are position and geographic location, both of which will be covered in a future pro tip. Once that date is over and the taco sauce is dried to your beloved’s lips, you might as well get naked right there at the table. We all know what needs to happen.

Once you’ve chosen your soul mate and courted her via taco dinner, you’re in the zone. If she saw you and said ‘sure why not’ after you ruefully asked her to Taco Bell, then mounted you on one of the horsey rides at Walmart, it’s true love. Welcome to happiness!