Hobo Pro Tips

Thanksgiving on the streets

Thanksgiving is coming up and no one loves you. I know I keep saying that but I feel I really need to stress the point. No one loves you ever. People are going to be in their warm homes with their families eating an absurd amount of food. Plenty of it will be thrown away because that’s how we roll in America and you will be beaten with rubber hoses if you try and get some of that food from a trash can. If you want this holiday to happen for you then you need to get creative. Here are some recipes to make this the best hobo Thanksgiving ever!

Turkey

Yeah right, good luck with that. The best you can do is sewing a few pigeons together into the vague shape of a turkey. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

What you’ll need:

• 4 1/2 pigeons
• Your shoe laces
• 1 can of beer. Whiskey is also acceptable if you’ve had a successful week.
• A trash bag
• 1 fistful of grass

Begin by killing the pigeons and removing the pieces you don’t feel like eating. Once you have nothing more than a dirty pile of meat begin using your shoe laces to tether the pile together until you have something that resembles Frankenstein’s turkey. Place the beast into the trash bag and pour the booze in. Marinate until you can’t control yourself any more and need to eat something before you pass out. Cook the “turkey” over a flaming trash can for three hours. Once fully cooked serve the bird monster on a sheet of cardboard and garnish with the grass clippings.

Cranberry sauce

This one will really be a stretch since you can’t afford cranberries at all and they’re sort of the main ingredient. Instead, we’re going to use pine cones and hope no one notices.

What you’l need:

• 38 pine cones
• 12 sugar packets
• 1 large puddle

Boil the pine cones until they become soft and the sap starts leaking out. Throw the pine cones into a puddle with the sugar and mix until the sap and sugar create a messy candy like coating. Serve in a hat.

Stuffing

You have a few options here since stuffing is now sold in single serve cups. If you have the money for it, buy one. But you probably spent your last dollar paying the neighborhood kids to stop kicking you when you sleep. You’ll be making your own stuffing.

What you’ll need:

• The day old bread most bakeries can’t legally sell
• 2 cups of butter substitute. You can’t afford butter so use your best judgment. The greasy stuff under your balls will probably work.
• 2 handfuls of tree bark
• 4 leaves

Rip the bread apart into smaller pieces. Try to make the pieces cube shaped. If you’re too weak from not eating just think about how your wife left you and you’ll have all the motivation you need. Heat the nut butter and sauté the tree bark and leaves until the bark becomes soft. Add the nut butter mix to the bread and bake in a trash can for one hour. Serve in a coffee can.

Vegetables

No meal is complete without some healthy veggies! 

What you’ll need:

• A house that has a small vegetable garden in the backyard

Scout the house to learn the sleeping habits of the owners. This could take a week or two so be patient. Make your way to the garden when you’re sure everyone in the house is asleep. Begin taking the vegetables and shoving them into your pockets. If they aren’t fully grown yet just take the entire planter and finish the growing process yourself. If they have a dog abandon the mission and find another home with a vegetable garden.